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05/06/06

AnoThEr... WHY...

While I have been thinking of all the whys in my life... I got into a discussion about one of the important and inevitable whys in our lives with a friend...

Why do we get married...?

Why do your parents really want you marry as soon as you start earning a decent amount... at times as soon as you start earning (in cases of some girls)

Kanu said for every why, ask a "why not"

I asked why... and then I asked why not too... lemme see what came up as a result...

Why get married...

Get emotional support from your better half... if i may call her
Have someone to get back to...
Start a family...
Your parents wish...
You found the right girl... or maybe you just think that you found the right girl...
To become financially more dependent... to start planning accordingly with her...
You cannot wait any longer... you've been a virgin all your life... and marriage is the only savior now...

And now... why not?

Coz you are not ready...
Coz you think you are scared to take up this big a responsibility
Coz you are afraid that it’s too big a gamble...
Coz you want to live your life just a li'il more then what you have yet...
Coz you are an independent person... and really are not looking for a partner...
Coz you do not think marriage is going to add any value to your or your life...

I do not know how many of the above mentioned things are valid... they are just thoughts that came to my mind... and I do not necessarily agree to one or some or all of them... but then marriage I think is much more then answers to these questions...


21 comments:

  1. Dude! all the reasons you mentioned here for and against marriage are valid 100% . But then, it is definately much much more than these reasons. for so many marriage has no significance, but they still live together forever, and for some it is the only means to bind them together ( all depends on your priorities in life). Who and what is more important to you in life; whether its ur parents, ur career, ur own happiness or simply "what will everybody think" thingy.

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  2. bhai
    tu aur main ...aur deepak ...aur jassi ...aur aseem... hum sab ek hi nau mein hain yaar
    main teri haalat samajh sakta hun
    anyways ...
    agar gharwalon ko tarkaane ka koi solid failsafe tareeka mile to mere ko bhi bataiyo

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  3. I donno abt the rest........but marriage gives you extra security that this person will stay with you till your old age.....(divorces are still not very common in India)...... thru thick and thins..... which mite not be possible in other forms of relationships......every other reason can be subsituted
    Nobody is ever prepared for marriage till we actually take the plunge and left in deep waters to survive or otheriwse

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  4. I agree with abhi, dont agree with aqui78...........
    these days even u cant gurantee that even u wanna stay with this person for whole life.....forget thinking from ur partner perspective.......as relationship evolves probs and maturity (watever) can come in and create a better life or problematic life.....


    anyway coming back to topic.........for every why there is a why not.........its ur call.....though i wud only say go for it only when u r mentally, emotionally, financially ready for it.............not just cuz ur parents wants to do it soon.......

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  5. # abhi...
    true...

    # lalit..
    teri meri halat par nai likhi ye post.. mere ghar par koi fight hai filhaal.. aur hogi bhi nai thode time tak...

    this came out of a discussion with a friend who recently got married...

    # aqui...
    its just an impression of that security.. because thats how you expect it to...

    # deepak...
    i know... no guarantees are there.. anywhere..

    i have written a number of whys there... why pick up only the parents wish deepak? there are more reasons then i have mentioned in this post about why someone would get married.. and why someone would not..

    i hope we all have just the right reasons to go for it whenever we do..

    Amen...

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  6. cuz my first point (emotionally, mentally, financially) takes care of all ur other points except parents wish.....simple :)

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  7. nai yaar.. i did not understand what you meant here in context of the why and why not related to marriage..

    what you wrote : emotionally, mentally, financially independent is what you want to be before you get married.. but that still is not "WHY" you should get married.. you can be all of these and still not get married.. because your why does not get answered.. and you still have a lot of why nots...

    also wen you are emotionally and mentally independent, you might it all the more tough to be with someone... because indepence of the mind reduces ur need of a person around you...

    this is a never ending discussion i guess..

    but as i said in my last comment, i hope all of us get the right answers and reasons when we decide to take the plunge :)

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  8. Very important questions for one’s life ... Scary thought!

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  9. Ahem...may be I am too young to write about this. But, let me, still! :P

    First of all...physical...Eew..can someone really be virgin till they get married? I mean...I had a neighbour who was a virgin till he was 27, then finally decided to get married because he wanted to have 'legal' sex...never happened though....asshole went hunting for a girlfriend....got married when he was 33.

    Marriage...well...shouldn't it be the LAST thing on one's POA? When you've done everything you think you should have--I mean materially. Financially and all that...when you've practically achieved all that you wanted....all that you wanted to possess? Isn't it?
    I think folks are just made to keep bugging their kids about something or the other...marriage being the biggest one once the guy seems to be active in life. I mean, what the....!

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  10. And...ahem, I strongly think one should think of marriage once he/she can't get enough of sitting with friends over beer...late night silly nothings...and fooling around. There's always a scope to indulge in all that one can...after getting married you invariably get involved in each other..which is important! So you know! You're just, what, 26? 28? Chill!
    Parents forcing or something?

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  11. its a matter of personal choice...no one can/should interfere..or rather u should not let them...

    marriage is important,when u can`t find your siblings,parents or friends fulfilling the kind of emotional support u want..

    at the point in life when u feel u have the right mind and temprament ,the wish to listen,the wish to share,the wish of collective thinking,the mindset to involve someone in the happenings of your life......u should get married.

    why not get married???when u don`t have the above mentioned traits..u shouldn`t!

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  12. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  13. I agree with what Anon said. I think that it is important that you marry for the right reasons and parental pressure is not it. You should only get married when you feel that you want to commit to somebody, feel that you are at a point in life when you are secure with who you are, what you want to be. Don't marry to please the family - that is just the worst reason to get married, so is the "Its time, everybody is getting married".
    I disagree with aqui78, divorce rates are pretty high in India. But is it not worse to just live together, even though you are dissatisfied with your spouse? Is being miserable a better alternative to divorce?

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  14. # aqui..
    :)

    # ankur...
    yea.. scary thought..

    # rohit...
    you have the right to an opinion even if you are too young...
    yes... ppl can be virgins when they get married... i know quite a few of them... today in your college sex might not be a big deal, however there was a time not long ago when things were different...

    Marriage should not be the last thing on your POA, that is what i personally feel. Things do not stop once you are married, as that financial, emotional independence and all.. they move on with you, and if you are lucky enough to find the right partner, things really really move in the right direction for you..

    Folks do not bug kids for anything rohit... i am not sure what makes you think that way... this was a very stupid statement that you have made here...

    # rohit again...
    no pressure at my place yet...

    # anony...
    i have to agree with everything that you said except the first line where I agree with you partially...

    I am not sure how well you know the Indian society but anyway...
    a lot of the decisions here are influenced by the peer pressure of relatives, ppl you know and so on a so forth... about not letting them interfere, true... this decision at the end of the day still lies with the individual and would depend on that person on how he/she takes care of the situation...

    @ sakshi...
    I am not sure why everyone only looks at parental pressures when it comes to marriage... there are more reasons then that when it comes to marriage !!!

    getting married to please the family, i agree, is one of the worst reasons to get married... one should get married when one feels like it... and not, never ever, otherwise...

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  15. Talk about a debate eh???

    What to say....well...nicely done Y and better Y not. Yet I am not really convinced.

    Simply...I dont like the question.

    Sorry...I truly believe that the question is not Why get married...in this day and age...the simple thing is...Why am I marrying the person I have chosen? Do I want to marry him/her?

    I am not explaining myself well...let me rephrase my opinion.

    Marriage is an institution and believe you me when i say I have seen both the sides of this coin. One hideous thing and one magical journey.

    At one point of time I believe we start looking for the next stage in our life. After a stressful day when you call up that one special person you feel an energy surge in your whole system. And then we start looking for a new dimension of our own self, our very existence.

    Marriage...that is not the question my friend. The question is...

    What are my needs? What is the next road I want to take in this journey called life.

    The question is, that when i go to sleep at night, do i need the presence of that someone special who is just there, body mind and soul for you? And also...do you complete her/him?

    The Why of Life is...Why am I choosing that particular person to get married to...

    Is it because he/she is only one or is it because he is THE person who can light your darkest hour with a wink and a smile!!!

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  16. # kanu...
    arre... ab ye "THE RIGHT" person kahan se aayega ya aayegi?

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  17. Hey! Don't get me wrong...Folks bugging...was just a JOKE! Hehehe. Seriously.

    I have utter respect for all parents..and I know how they want to see their kids get settled and all that. It was just a joke.

    However...I still stick to what I said. Last thing. LAST! Hehehe. It's almost having to get down at serious business....Life's a lot more than serious stuff always...But...many would argue about having a partner and all that jazz...So.. badiya hai!

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  18. This is a very relevant post. I been following it since yesterday but didn’t really get time to sit down and comment on it.. until this morning : )
    These days, I m reading a lot on issues like Indian marriage and family life wrt my thesis.(And whether I agree to the ongoing discussions or not, is a different thing altogether.)

    U have grouped a number of valid reasons for one’s ‘why’ and ‘why not’ getting married....am just adding my comments here

    About the parents’ wish (seriously, I think the right term is wish , not pressure or trapping as we’d use sometimes..).. I think its very normal on their part to wish see their kids settled in life. u know so many factors work here.. any father would want his daughter to get married before he gets retirement from service/business etc. and any mother would wish to see her grandchildren playing around her house .. : ) now its very typical of our great Indian middle class to consider one’s son eligible for marriage once he gets into job.. And for daughter, once she finishes off with her studies , ( or works for a short duration of time) and why forget that our respective relatives/community members also ‘keep reminding’ our parents about our marriage issue :P
    we cant question the parent's wish factor..

    And here I m taking the liberty to respond to some of comments made earlier..( hope it will be ok with u and other as well)
    To Deepak’s comment) just try to look at as some interwoven pattern of things,
    1.if we r emotionally/ financially independent, it normally suggests that we are not ready for marriage yet. A relationship ,may be. But not really serious about marriage.
    2.if we plan economically and prepare ourselves emotionally to get married at a given point of time, it so happens once we make up our mind to get married. One won’t think of ‘preparing’ oneself for marriage unless one is willing to tie knots with someone. : ) remember they say something like ‘no smoke without fire!!’ :P

    To Rohit’s comment: about that whether to be a virgin or not thing:
    True, some ppl , both boys and girls, remain chaste till they get married. While others do not.
    But when we talk about ‘preparing’ oneself for marriage ( or staying away from it) in physical terms.. it involves much more than a sexual act/virginity vows. It means u ll hv to share ur room and also get used to it. It also means that u ll hv to attain a comfort level (emotionally as well as physically) with ur partner.(u can hv some personal space -and I believe that u must- still u will gladly be sharing a bit of personal space with ur spouse.. like u do with ur parents & friends etc)
    And I don’t think marriage should be last of ur plan of action. U get married- its about ur personal life.. and u become more successful in terms of name /fame & money-its ur professional life. both are interlinked yet separate, and I think both can run on parallel lines.
    And who says u cant hv ur friends’ bit and fun-parties once u got married? U can still hv a bachlor’s party.. though the frequency will be less. ( and not the other way around , as u say that one should get married when there is less fun with frnds : )

    Marriage.. its sure is much much more than just a set of questions or jigsaw puzzle and fitting in the logical answers. And one of such things, as I strongly believe, is to make one’s relation more successful, and a lot happier, evolving all this time..
    And getting into marriage ( or staying out of it) until the right thing happens.. seems such a simple thing.. but then , ‘what’ is the right thing remains a big question and guess everyone has to decide what is right or not for him/herself

    And, Once u know ‘what’ is right for u.. rather ‘Who’ is right for u as a partner.. guess u ll also get an answer to ‘why’ its right for u to get married : )) (and only one knows what would be right for oneself, no?)
    know what my nani ji says.. u take care of ur marriage and other things would fall in place.. be it respect.. mutual understanding.. physical intimacy..emotional dependence.. financial planning.. family/ in-laws relations ..commiunication ..space and ability to cope with evolving times and changes relations ..
    Maa.. thanks for telling me this.. :D

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  19. @prashie and mayuri.........

    I wish you guys have read my comment in lil detail :D

    i said mentally, financially, emotionally READY not INDEPENDENT............

    cheers

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  20. u shud marry wen--u cant live without that person..and whenever u r alone u r thinking of the other person.U want to do many things together,,or maybe just waste time lazying together.

    Marry to have a beautiful baby and admire the geratness of god,,to c that innocent smile,,to wake up the whole nights and days,,and still feel fresh.

    But someone said,,shaadi ka laddu,,,jo khaaye wo bhi pachtaaye jo na khaaye wo bhi pachtaaye,,,so better eat it :-d

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